I'm
left-handed.
Don't
worry, it's Ok. I'm enjoying it.
There have been many instances I’ve encountered over the years where having
a leftie around is handier than a three-peckered billy goat. I can't
count the number of times where on a job one of my colleagues would
blurt out, "God, if I was only left-handed I'd be able to do
this!" And there I'd be, springing into his space like some
caped crusader, instantly ready to save the day.
Lefties
have a distinct advantage over right-handers. I refer to right-handers as being Evil People.
I say this because lefties learn from the day they poke their head
out of the womb they’re forever doomed to articulate
and contort themselves and their appendages in order to accomplish simple things.
Those things Evil People will forever take for granted because they have
so many right-handed things going for them. Indeed, most don't even realize there's a left hand hanging out there. I figure they'll look down one day and say, “Oh
my God, Charlie! Where d’ya reckon
this came from?”
Hey!
There’s a thought…how'd it be that if by some
Darwinian evolution you people woke up to find a coffee cup bolted
to your elbow instead of a forearm? “Say, Bob…aren’t
you glad these things showed up? I don’t know about you but
I never did figure out what to do with that other gizmo!”
I
wonder how long left-handers have been ridiculed and discriminated
against? Eons, I imagine. Have you ever wondered if Caveman's clubs
were right-handed? I seriously doubt that thought ever crossed a right-hander's
mind. Hell, I'm surprised it crossed mine, but I think
about stupid stuff like that all the time and I'm not suffering with any mental deficiencies. There is, however, one person who worries me and it isn't because
he’s right-handed. It's my brother-in-law, Brad.
I believe he possesses enough mental deficiencies to lend me some concern.
Not long ago I was doing
a bit of shopping at my favorite mall and found one of them old, galvanized,
80-gallon pressure tanks. You know...the ones that make a superb reservoir
for an air compressor? Well, since I knew Brad wanted one I loaded it
up and took it over to him and as I walked into his shop there he was...lying underneath his truck talking to himself.
I
stood over him shaking my head, “You’d better watch
that shit, Bro. Some people are already questioning your mental
deficiencies so you don’t wanna give ‘em any reason
to get serious about it.”
Judging
from the audible “thunk” I surmised he jumped and then bumped his precious head on some thingie down there.
“Jesus H...”
He yelled, “…how do you do that!?”
“Do
what?” I asked nonchalantly.
“Jump
outta the concrete like that?”
“I
learned it in the Orient. Say, what’re you doing down there
anyway? I mean, why’re you talking to yourself?”
“I’m
trying to loosen these nuts. I get confused which way to turn ‘em
when I’m down here.”
I
hunkered down and looked hard at him fully expecting to see tiny white stars
spinning around his head.
“Brad…I have to ask. Is it…is
it horrible living in your world? They don’t turn any differently
down there than they do if you’re looking at ‘em up here.”
It's scary for me to think how many mechanics are running loose who believe the
leftie loosie, rightie tightie adage is merely a load of bunk designed to trick them.
I
think the person who said you can’t teach an old dog new tricks
was an idiot and probably never owned a dog. I can say that because I'm teaching my dumb right hand new tricks all the time!
If everything goes right I'll turn forty-five this coming April. Therefore, it's reasonable for me to state I've been walking on this planet for...ohhh...forty-four years or so and for the majority of them...say...forty-three years - my right hand has remained quite resolute in staying as dumb as a post. This fact, however, will never interfere with my trying to teach him new tricks. I even went so far as to give him an affectionate name..."Poophead".
For
Poophead, the simple act of hammering was a spectacle people for miles
around would walk backwards to come see. I'll always remember the first time
I tried to set a nail then drive it using my right hand. I was up
on a ladder and I had already nailed everything I could reach on
the left, so I shifted to the right and nailed a couple more, but
there was that last little bit I could reach only with my right
hand. Now, I’m far from being lazy but I'm
frugal when it comes to eliminating movement. So, rather than climbing
down and shifting the ladder, I stretched out my hammer-equipped right
hand and a nail in my left. It’s a good thing no one happened
along to witness the debacle because I would’ve looked damned
silly up there with my tongue curled on my upper lip as I tried
to drive that nail. Closing one eye didn’t help a damn bit
and by the time I’d finished, that piece of plywood was tore
all to pieces. All of a sudden it became a challenge for me...I was going to put Poophead to work every chance I got.
Over
the years things progressed...somewhat slovenly, and I couldn't help becoming alarmed that
Poophead was suffering from some form of severe learning disability or worse,
Attention Deficient Disorder. It seemed the more trust I placed
in Poophead the more sinister he became – even to the point
where he started showing off. One time I gave him a utility knife
to cut a relief in some trim I was installing. I watched with trepidation
as he started taking tiny nibbles at first then before I knew it
he took a great chunk out of the trim and, failing to stop there,
he carried on until he took a rather large one out of my left forefinger.
If
I was an avid Churchgoer the assembled crowd would’ve smiled
approvingly as I exclaimed, “Awww, Poophead, you ought not’ve
gone ‘n dun that.” Instead, they stood aghast while
I ran around screaming, “Poophead, you rotten sumbitch! What
the f-f-f-f…k were you thinking!?”
If
left-handers are the only ones in their right minds then I have
to wonder about the mental state of those people out there who’re
actively trying to remove the last of the things made for lefties.
I’m talking about the tape measure here. Yes, your every day,
run-of-the-mill tape measure is probably one of the few remaining
items designed for the gifted left-handed person. I use the word
gifted because we seem to be the only ones who aren’t
having a hissy fit about reading a tape upside-down. Does anyone really
think lefties never pull the tape from the right and read it upside-down?
If I’m able to read it without standing on my head - why can’t
Evil People do it?
I’ll
never forget the day I argued with a guy about the way I pulled
and read my tape.
It
was an unusual lunch break in that everyone was being fairly quiet
and halfway through it this guy decides to spawn an urgent round
of philosophical bullshit. He started it with…“What
I wanna know is how come they can’t make a tape for right-handers?”
Then he sat there with raised eyebrows no doubt wondering how long
it’d be before someone was going to run up and offer him a Pulitzer for such a thought-provoking
question.
With
my spoon frozen in mid-air, I stared at him over the rim of my soup
bowl and said, “Ughhh…I’m sure I’m gonna
regret asking this, but what the hell are you talking about?”
He
said, “You know, like when you hook the tape on the left end
of a board you have to mark it with your left hand.”
This
time I raised my eyebrows, “What’s so hard about that?”
I asked.
“Here,”
He said, standing up to go get a board, “You try it.”
I
set down my bowl of soup and fished out my tape. Holding it in my
right hand, I hooked the left end of the board while simultaneously yanking my pencil out from under my hat band. I then pulled the tape
along the board and asked, “What measurement do you want?”
He
looked down at me and said, “Awww, Christ, you’re left-handed
ain’t ya? That ain’t fair!”
I
said, “Ok, I’ll pull from it the right end then.”
So, still holding the tape in my right hand, I turned it palm up and repeated the same procedure. Looking up at him I asked, "What measurement do you want?"
He
looked at me with a scowl saying, “You can’t do it that
way!”
“Why
the Hell can’t I?” I said, picking up my bowl of soup,
“I just showed you I could do it. I also showed you how a
person in their right mind can improvise, adapt and overcome. You
Evil People are capable of doing it, too, but you're always too damned worried about trying to foul us up.”
You know...for the rest of that afternoon he didn’t get a lick of work
done because he was too busy designing complex situations where
it’d be impossible for me to use my measuring tape.
I
honestly can’t see where anyone left-handed is afforded any
greater ability in being able to read upside-down over that of an
Evil Person. If you doubt this then I’ve devised a complex
situation for you – take a piece of junk mail, turn it upside-down
and see if you can read it. Go ahead, do it…no one’s
watching you. Ahh, do you see, it’s no problem at all, is
it? Now, this may be difficult for Evil People to grasp, but them
are entire words! Imagine how easy it’ll be reading numbers
upside-down!
Since
then I've carried on daily life safe in the knowledge that no one would
be stupid enough to trouble themselves with manufacturing a right-handed
tape. I based this judgment on the fact that surely everyone realized
not all Evil Peoples' measurements would be taken from the right
end of a board.
All this lasted right up until the moment I picked up McFeely’s latest catalog. There,
on page 48, right in front of God and everybody was the following
headline…
At
last, a Tape Measure Designed for Right-Handed Users!
I
looked at the picture and sure enough there is was; a right-to-left reading tape. “Awww, crrrapppp, you gotta be joshing
me!” I began reading the explanation...
“If
you’re right-handed, chances are that the tape measures you’ve
used all these years have virtually forced you to become left-handed.”
“Well,
kiss my ass!” I yelled at the catalog, “What do you
think y’all been doing to us lo these many eons, what with
your right-handed scissors and your right-handed pencil sharpeners
and your right-handed can-openers and everything else you Evil People
have cast upon us?” I forced myself to read more…
“Think
about it – you pick up a tape measure in your right hand,
stretch it out, then mark the cut with your left hand! Or you stretch
the tape out with your left hand, then practically stand on your
head to read the upside down scale!”
“Think
about it!?!” I yelled at the picture, “Think about what?
You mean think about something other than the fact that whoever
wrote this is a blithering idiot and thinks all Evil People are
fools?” Surely the writer wasn’t suggesting that a right-hander
will never have to pull a measurement from the left side is he?”
I read on…
“Now
you can measure with a scale that makes sense for righties. The
tape reads right to left, so you can hold the case in your left
hand and mark with your right and you won’t need to read upside
down markings either!”
“Well
chew the elastic out of my underwear!” I breathed, “That’s
exactly what he’s saying.” Then, like a coup de grace
this madman delivered his final blow…
“If
you’re left-handed, this tape will allow you to more fully
appreciate the hardship endured by your right-handed friends!”
At
that precise moment it was clear to me why us southpaws are
known for being the only one in our right minds – when you Evil People
poke your heads out of the womb someone comes along and scrambles
all your eggs up and then you spend the rest of your lives messing
with ours!
"C'mon,
Poophead, grab that cup of coffee and let's get out of here!" |