It all started when I walked into one of the second hand stores here in the Mission Valley. Inside the building I was greeted by the cool breeze of a circulating fan and I instantly became comfortable despite the hot August day I had just left outside.

As I so often do, I began my tour around the shop in a clockwise manner and it wasn't long before I discovered a rather large stack of fifteen inch planer knives. Aside from the fact they weren't in their original boxes, the knives were brand new and still factory sharp and upon further inquiry the shop owner said he wanted $15 per knife. Now, I like to haggle as much as the next fellow but I felt in this case the owner knew exactly what he was doing and what they were worth. So, I went straight home and posted a notice on WoodCentral's classified board about their availability and that I would broker them for the shop owner and pass on his price to whoever wanted them.

Within twenty-four hours I got a response and before long we passed several Emails until, finally, "Bruce" informed me he wanted to purchase ten of each size and that he was sending me a cashier's check. So, I, being the poster child for Idiots of the World, skipped on down to the second hand store and plopped down $300 and took home twenty planer knives. Then, immediately after I informed Bruce his knives were ready to ship all communications ground to a halt. Luckily, I told a friend what was going on and he did a little poking about with Bruce's message headers and, well, imagine my surprise when he warned me I was about to become the victim of a Nigerian 419 advanced fee scam.

To say I was pissed would be a gross understatement so I decided right then to turn this into a game. And, because I like games, I resigned myself to come out the winner no matter the cost.

The game opened with my leading him on by letting him think I would do anything for him and eventually I received a vastly overpaid check drawn on Tri City National Bank. Everything on it was legit - that is to say all the way down to the actual value of it. The bank's address, the watermark, you name it - it all looked real.

Jason also warned me about how this scam works and that I would probably receive a cashier's check with an overpayment value. So, armed with this information, I sent Bruce an Email - a full week before the check even got here - saying I received his check and that "it looks like you miscalculated the total by a fair bit " and asked him how was I supposed to handle the overpayment?

Man! I could tell just by reading his response that he was already thumbing through catalogs trying to decide what he would buy with the money I was going to send him. He responded saying the amount of $3,000 the check was drawn for was a result of his "secretary" making a mistake.

I thought, "Wow, this dude is slick!" But, it so happens my line of bullshit can go on forever, so, go grab yourself a beer then sit back and enjoy a cyber journey through my twisted mind.

Let the games begin...

Hi Joe,

you ought to have received the cashier's check i had sent to you by now.Please look up your mail box as the check was sent via regular mail.The check was drawn on the Tri City National Bank and it's remitter is Westley Nicole,do keep me posted when you receive it.

Regards

Bruce.

Hey Bruce,

Was wondering why I hadn't received anything from - figured you were on a business trip or something.

As luck would have it, it arrived in this morning's mail, however it looks like you miscalculated the total by a fair bit.  What am I supposed to do with the overpayment?

Hi Joe,
It's good to hear that you've received the check,the mistake in the amount $3,000 the check was drawn for is as a result of my secretary's mistake.Please deduct $300 payment + shippment cost from the check and help transfer the overpayment minus the transfer charges to Mr Adewole Cole my assistant via western union money transfer.

Please transfer the overpayment minus the transfer charges to my assistant via western union money transfer in the details below.

MR ADEWOLE COLE
45,BODE THOMAS ROAD,
SURULERE,LAGOS.
NIGERIA.

Below are western union transfer outlets close to you where you can send the money to Mr Cole:

1, RONAN HARVEST FOODS #6115
1124 HWY 93 SOUTH
RONAN, MT 59864
Tel: (406) 676-3301

2, RODS HARVEST FOOD INC
146 MAIN ST
ST IGNATIUS, MT 59865
Tel: (406) 745-4275

Please get back to me with the transfer details in the manner below:

1,Sender's name and address

2,Receiver's name and address

3,Amount sent

4,Test question/Code word. ( You can use what's Mr Cole's drivers licence number as the test question for the transfer,and the answer is LND3410AA1 )

5,The control number/MTCN.

Suman,ship the Planer Knives:
Bruce Nash
8826 lakewood blvd
Downey,CA 90241

Waiting to read from you soon.

Bruce.

Hey Bruce,

I'd say that's quite a mistake, Bruce.  Perhaps you should think about letting your secretary go.  I mean, it's a good thing there're still honest people out here or else you could've lost a considerable sum of money.

Ok, I just got back from Ronan Harvest Foods but they're going to be closed for remodeling over the next several days.  I'll try to drive by every now and again to see if I can't catch them open.

In the mean time, I'll take these knives down to the PO and find out how much the shipping is to CA.

Thanks for the response Joe,please try make the transfer of the overpayment to my assistant Mr Adewole Cole today.Below are more western union transfer outlets where you can get the transfer done,

1, RODS HARVEST FOOD INC
146 MAIN ST
ST IGNATIUS, MT 59865
Tel: (406) 745-4275

2, SUPER (1) FOODS #6717
1306 HIGHWAY 93
POLSON, MT 59860
Tel: (406) 883-2498

3,, THE MALT SHOP
101 FIRST ST POST OFFICE BOX 720
ST IGNATIUS, MT 59865
Tel: (406) 745-3501

Hope to read from you this evening with the details of the transfer.

Best regard

Bruce.

I love my new toy! Since the Western Union outlet in Ronan is "closed for remodeling" isn't it jolly nice of Bruce to go out of his way to provide me with additional locations?

Hello Bruce,

Thanks, Bruce, for providing all them other Western Union outlets - to be frank, I had no idea there were so many of them around our little valley here.  I guess I've never paid much attention to 'em, huh?  You think maybe it's because I'm a blonde?  Hee hee.

As I told you I would, I took the package to the Post Office to get the actual postage (I want to make sure I don't overcharge you) and they told me these planer knives can't be sent to California.  I said, "What?!?"  Then I was forced to stand there for an hour while they performed a scientific test on them.  They informed me the metal the knives are made from contains traces of Cubic Zirconium, an allergen that attacks the central nervous system of one of their endangered birds; the California Condor.

Do you have another address outside of California I can send these to?  Maybe you have a friend in Nevada that can sneak them across the State line?  Anyway, I'm just going to guess at the shipping costs and I'll get back to you if the actual amount is way off from my guess.

After the Post Office I went to the bank and deposited your check and based upon the following breakdown...

Cost of knives $300.00
Cost of shipping and handling $25.00
Cost of money transfer $35.00

Total is $360.00

$3,000.00 - $360.00 = $2,640.00

...I then got a Cashier's Check drawn on my bank for $2,6400.00 to give to Western Union.  So, I'm leaving right now for the Western Union outlet in St. Ignatius - it's 25 miles away but since we're woodworkers what the hay, I'll do anything to help another woodworker.

I'll be sure to get the information you asked for - I don't want to mess this up.

Cheers,

Hi John,am yet to hear from you..Do get back to me with an update.

Bruce.

The name's Joe, Bruce.

And, I did send you a note, Bruce - you even quoted it in your response to me.

Remember?  I asked you for an alternate address because the knives have traces of Cubic Zirconium in them?  I told you California will not allow it pass their State line so I need another address.  I asked you if you knew anyone in Nevada that can sneak it across the State line?

Ohh, yeah, one other problem came up.  But first, I've got to tell you, I've never shipped any payments, especially one as large as $2,640.00 - that's TWO Thousand SIX hundred and FORTY United States Dollars with Western Union.

Anyway, I got there just in the nick of time when they were getting ready to close and I told them what I wanted to do.  Imagine my complete surprise when they told me the fee for transferring the money had been increased to $45.00 and not the $35.00 it was the other day when I called them for a price.  Apparently, because of the extreme prices in the oil market, the Electrical Transmission Line Oil they must have to send messages is causing an increase in wiring money.  They said it takes more of this oil to send money transfers than it does to send text messages.  I had no idea, did you?

Ohhh, by the way...just so you know I wasn't pulling your leg, here's a picture of YOUR check I received from my bank...

(By this time I thought Bruce needed a little greasing so I went on a Google hunt and found a pic of a blank check then I whipped out my best photo editor and added the appropriate text.)

Where was I?  Ohh, yeah, now I must take this Cashier's Check (drawn on First Interstate Bank and have it re-written but I can't do that until the bank opens again on Monday.

BUT...I had a great idea!  With the extreme price fluctuation of Electrical Transmission Line Oil and to keep me from having to get another Cashier's Check written, you can pay the transfer fees at your end when you pick up the check!!!  This way we can both be happy knowing a fair and honest business deal has been completed.

What do you think?  Let me know soonest because I really want to get this over with so I can rest easy, this is a lot of money and I don't want anything to happen.

Thanks for the update Joe, please never mind the western union transfer charges. Go ahead and help transfer the $2,640.00 minus the transfer charges as earlier instructed to Mr Adewole Cole today. You can ship a friend of mine in Nevada.

Bruce Nash
c/o Michael J. Cassidy
605 S. Royal Crest Circle #19
Las Vegas NV 89109

Hope to hear from you soon

Bruce.

Imagine that! He even has a friend in Nevada! Ya know, I have to wonder what the odds would've been of him having a friend in West Virginia if I'd suggested that instead?

Hey Bruce,

Ohhh, you certainly don't have to go thanking me, Bruce, it's entirely my distinct pleasure!

At this point I stopped typing and just stared at the screen. "Bruce," I said aloud, "needs to believe I can't get to the Western Union outlet. What could possibly keep me from getting to the Western Union outlet?" Then it hit me - I needed me a disaster...

I'm glad you got back to me so swiftly for I have been very bored.  You see, for the past two days it's been extremely hot and the 100+ degree weather has forced everyone in Montana to stay indoors because our vile Government passed a law stating everyone must stay indoors when the weather gets this warm.

It brings out the Locusts, you see.  Swarms of them ranging in the billions of Locusts per swarm.  No can drive, walk or breathe so our vile Government protects us by making us stay indoors.  The problem is, they only give us enough free beer to last for three days so all the people in my town are getting right testy.

I just went outside and took this picture...

(so, back to Google I go to fetch a picture of a Locust and I found this little gem)

You know what it is?  It's a picture of a Locust being BORN right in front of my door!

I still have your check sitting right here (you did see the picture of it, didn't you?)...anyway, our contemptible Government thinks they'll sound the all-clear siren in the next day or two.

I'm so glad to hear you do have a friend in Nevada and equally happy to hear he'll sneak these illegal planer knives across the California State line.

I'm addressing the package right now.

I'll be in touch.

Your friend,

Then as far as I was concerned Bruce dropped off the planet. I think he caught wind I was onto him and he retired back to his lair to pick on someone a little more gullible. Two months pass and I'm still pissed because I'm still sitting on twenty planer knives so I go and post a classified note on WoodWeb saying they were for sale. Sure enough, another of these creatures slinks outta the darkness, one J. Black. This time I decided to try a reverse scam - I thought, "What if I can get this asshole to give me money? What if I can make him believe he can sell them and make a bundle?"

Hello,

I Saw your Advert tennsew.com and very happy to let you know that am intrested in purchasing your goods. Pls get back to me if you have any present pics of this goods and the present conditions of the goods including the type of payment you accept and the amount for the goods. As for the shipment dont worry all my goods are taking care by my shipper. So get back to me asap with the details of the goods and the type of payment you accept. Regards, J Black

(The "advert" was on woodweb.com so where he got tennsew.com from is beyond me but I didn't let this stop the game)

Hello Mr. J Black,

You do realize, don't you, that what you're looking at here are some of the most rare and valuable knives on Earth?

I hope this picture is suitable for you.  I hired a professional photographer to capture these beautiful knives in just the right light.  I hope you appreciate what I've done here. 

The condition of them is beyond belief - that is what makes them so rare. 

These knives are extremely rare Mr. Black, extremely rare!  Do you know what these knives are made of, Mr. Black?  Any idea at all?  They are made with a rare old steel and I have no doubt that if someone were to take them to England they would sell for a lot of money, perhaps upwards of 3,000 Pounds per knife, Mr. Black.  Per knife - that's almost $6,000 US dollars for each!

There's no way I can go to England to sell them because I'm scared of water so I can't go by ship and I'm scared to death of heights so I can't fly.  So, my loss can be someone's gain.

I want $1,500.00 per knife - as you can see in the picture, I have 6 knives and I can guarantee you they are the rarest knives on Earth.  If you take all six I'll subtract $600.00 straight off the top so, my price is $8,400.00 for all six knives.

I'm afraid the only payment I can accept is by PayPal. If this is agreeable to you, then PayPal me that amount and I'll send these rare and valuable knives to you.

Well, apparently Mr J Black had no interest in making a huge profit so he dropped me like I was a bad habit and I never heard another peep out of him. I reflected on this flopped transaction and it really surprised me when I realized how much I was looking forward to screwing with this dumbshit and it occurred to me that perhaps I wasn't thinking about the game plan.

It was all too clear, I screwed it up when I said, "I'm afraid the only payment I can accept is by PayPal"! Of course this would instantly send him slithering back into the darkness! So, with deep dark depression setting in, I did what every coach does when they lose a match - I changed my game plan and it wasn't long before I caught another fish out of the WoodWeb pond.

Allow me to introduce my good friend, "Micheal Dowers".

HELLO

 I saw your advert via internet that you have your(item) for  sale which am highly interested in purchasing.So i will like to know the  listed below: (1)the present condition of the ( item )as of  now (2)the updating pic's and (3)the last price you're willing to sell it.  However,my terms of payment will be by a certified bank check drawn in U.S  bank and dont worry about the shipping i will arrange with the shipping >company that will be coming for the pick up at your location...Thanks and  whilst hoping to hear from you    THANKS!!!!!!!!

Hey Micheal,

Ohh, I'm so please someone is wants to purchase these wonderful knives.

As of now these great and precious knives are in absolute perfect condition - brand old even.

(I gave him the same picture of the knives you saw earlier)

The price is $2,500.00 per knife.  I have 19 left.  How many do you want?

(He just got finished reading my post on Woodweb and it clearly said the price was $15.00 per knife)

Your terms of payment works for me.

Ok, I won't worry about the shipping then.

Ohhh, that's great, someone's coming for the pickup, that's one less thing for me to worry about.

Whilst hoping to here from you two.
 
Don't mentioning it.

Hello Joe Johns

Hello
thanks for the mail , well i am very happy to here this from you , you know what i just want you to pls know that i have called my Client right now about the last price and he said he is ok with the price , morealso he told me that i shuold let you know that he is going to send a certified cashier check to youwith the amonut of (6000) , so immdately you receive the payment you wil need to deduct you own willing price for the (Knife) , and you will send the order remaing balance through via western union money transfer to the shipping company that is going to arrange for the pick in your location,,,,so i will want you to pls provide me with this folloing Details where the payment is going to be sent,,,

Hello Micheal,

I so awful extremely proud and horny you got back to me so fastly quick like bolted lighting even.

NAME ON CHECK
The Twisten Woodberry Cabinet Knut Shop

ADDRESS
51 Carlyle Lane
Ronan, Montana 59864

COUNTRY
USA

PHONE NUMBER
406-245-8585

(This phone number I gave him is actually the Secret Service in Billings, Montana)

FAX NUMBER
I have not own fax mochine I dont even speel fax rite

ZIPCOD,
59864

so that is thaty
Yep, that is thaty alright.

 i wil want you to pls send the infomationg fast so that the payment will be send to you fast,

I wait with my jeans sticking to my cheeks and to be fastly bring our deal to a close, I will do anything you ask of me.  Please send it to me the fastly way possible.  In my home city we have DHL overnight and FedEx Overnight right here and stand by to help us out.

Let me know which won you send by.  The cashier check in amount 6000 is fine, I deduct what I need and send back the rest western onion.

Thanks,,,,,,I glad you able to get knife, they are very rear.  Can't wait here so let me know how you send cashiers check by FedEx or DHL.

I'm trying to get him to spend real money so I can get my fake check as fast as possible. This next note has a subject line saying Check!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello Joe Johns

Thanks very much for your patient for the payment
and I'm very greatful to you bcos i have heard from my
client today that the cheque has been sent out to you
and he also inform me that the cheque will get to you
this week friday...So i'll be glad if you can look
ahead to recieve the cheque as soon as it comes in to
you.
However,and I'll also be glad if you can let me
know immediately the payment arrive...,so I my Client
to forward you the information you will
send the remaining through westernunion...Let me know
as soon as the payment in to you.Thanks!!! looking
forward to hear from you.
Regards,

I ignored that one and got this one with the subject line saying Why Silent

hyHello Joe John
    How are you doing today , Hope every thing is going smoothly , But i wonder why you are so silent seens all this day , i just want to remind you of the payment i have receive a confamation from my personal assistant that the payment is getting to you by next week,,ok
so immdately you recieve it just notify me immdately ,,ok
                Thanks,,,,,,,,,,

By this time Micheal thinks I'm camping out by my mailbox waiting for his check, which is exactly what I want him to think.

I so sorri, I was out of my city for a two days but all is fine can't wait for our deal to finish over with.  I confamation you when payment getting to me. Thanks!!!!!!!!

Micheal's response comes in with the subject line saying Get Backkk

ok    Thanks,, for the mail you will receive the payment by earlier next week ok       Thanks,,,,,,,,,,

Micheal can't keep his facts right - we went from my receiving the check by Friday to earlier next week. The next message I get has the subject line saying Why Silent again.

Joe
        How are you doing today , Hope every thing is going smoothly, i just want to know maybe you have gotting the payment , coz i receive a  confamation from my Client  today that the payment must have getting to your Destination, so i will want you to pls look out for the Check,,,and also check your mail , box,,ok
      More also immdately you see the check,,pls Kindly update me..ok
       Thankk,,,,

Hello Micheal
       
Fine whilst waiting for our deal I cant wait to get done over with.

Yesterday I have not gottin the payment maybe it will get here this day I dont know - if here today I be sure and update you fastly quick.

Ok, I looky out for check for past three days and still no see it and whilst I keep out looky for it I say hum.

Ok I confamation you when check get to my mail box I so glad our deal is goin smooth like wash board.

He responds with the subject line saying Thanks for your patient!!!!!!!!!!!1

Joe Johns,
     How're you doing today ?and how has your day been today?and I'm mailing you to thank you alot for your patient and for your Mankindness for the payment and I pray God Almighty will be with you (Amen).      To let you know that it has come to my notice today by my client that the payment will get to you on Monday through regular mail...So it will be my great pleausure if you can stay arround to recieve the check and kindly  let me know immediately the payment arrive.Thanks God Bless!!!.
    I'll be looking ahead to read back from you and I'll mail you copy of the check so you can believe the check truly sent.
Regards, Michael.

So it seems I'm now getting his check on yet another Monday and now he's done brought prayer and God Almighty himself into our deal and I'm now getting a copy of the check in the mail to prove he's sent the check I still haven't gotten yet! This guy is trying all the angles, ain't he? Once again I ignored the message and got this one with the subject line saying Check confirmation......

Joe Johns,
   I'm so sorry for not getting back to you on time and I'm mailing you to believe the the check was truly sent b'cos i've confirmed from my client today and he told me that the check will comes in to you on Monday and this is the check confirmation below,
Bank Name...TRI CITY NATIONAL BANK. Amount......$6000.
     Let me know immediately you have gotten the check.Thanks!!!
Regards, Michael.

Hello Joe Johns

Thank for the mail ,well i am very sorry for getting back to you late,, well i am also very happy to hear that you have receive the payment , so have you receive the money now,,ok jst let me now,,ok    Thanks,,,

Hello Micheal,

It's no problem, I juss been sittin hear watching out my window for when the check gets here.  This is now Wensaday and still no check is here.  I think you sed it was new check coming over night mail.  I see nottin' yet.  I want our deal to get over with fastly quick b'cos I know you are a good man with much Mankindness.  But I look up my mail box this day and see nottin in there and it has been this way for the pass 2 weeks.

I am holding the knives for you, Micheal b'cos you being so Mankindly but I thought our deal was to come over with fastly quick.  I went to the bank in my village and they confirmation me they have extra 6000 dollars to send you in case both checks get here.

I not go workie all week b'cos sitting here watching for when man come to deliver check.  Should I go workie tomorrow or sit here and watch my out window for man with check?

Hello Joe Johns,

Thanks very much for much love you shown to me about the knives and about the check you ought to have gotten by now but iam very soory for the that.

I have tried tio call by client and confirmif he has send the check and he said he he send it thru regular mail and it is very slow and i  hopwit get there soon.

Moreso i will like you to know that i am very grearful for the kindness you have shown to me for keeping the kinves for me and i pry God will reward you for me .

I want us to understand ourslf very well i will want you to do something that will help the us very fast and it is if you can help me send a little part of the money to the shipping company that will comefor the pickupof the knives so they can prepare some document for me b'cos i have other things to be picked up in Hawaii so i will want you topls help with the sum of $3000 to the shipping company that will pickup the trhe tiem form you at your location and again i will want you to pls know that the day they willcome for the pick up of the knives and other item in your location i will come with them and by then the check will have gotten to  you and if not i will want you to let meknow the Date and Time that will be convinient for you so that they can come for the pick up so i can prepare myself to come with them if the check get to you  before the pickup date cash it and if not i promise to bring it along when i come to them and if the hcekc comes after then you cash it and remove your cost price and the amount you send to the shipping company and also the sum of $100 for your mankindness and also for your patient you havs know Thanks want to read from you soon.

Regard

 Michael Dowers

Hello Micheal,
    
You to told me you client sent another check by over my nightie mail and today is Saturday and I still dont have check.  I cant think boff checks are lost.
 
I can tell from your Mankindness and honesty that you and God are tight as ticks and this gives me warm and fuzzy feeling like when your bladder releases.  Every time I think of you two and how much honest stuff you do like what we doing here now.
 
Dont you worry Micheal I understand ourslf very well and I pry God for our deal to fastly quick get done but I got no check.  Every day I lookie up my mailbox and see nottin.

You mush be a wonderful Mankindly man to be picking up other things in Hawaii and here in Montana two.

I get to meet you!!!!!!  Micheal, I be so mush honored.  One would have to go to the bowling alley of a state pen to meet someone like your stature of Mankindlyness and I cant wait and look forward to it like I would be meeting the plague.

Dont fret your pretty little head.  You juss come anytime, I leave the light on for you.

Micheal, I went to my bank in my village and got $3000 but western union is cost $80 to send the money and they tell me it is against law in Montana for the person who send money to pay for to send it.  The person getting the money must pay.  They gave me this special form to fill out and I show you here what they gave me and they tell me to give this to you.

Once again I went on a Google search for some Western Union document about sending money. I found this one, which even had the section for the recipient to fill out his information circled in red ink. I thought to myself, "Man, this is too cool!" The next thing I did was launch my ever-so-handy photo editor and added the Montana Authorization part then erased the mumbo-jumbo at the bottom of the sheet and replaced it with...It is against Montana law for the person sending money to pay the Western Union fee for sending money Worldwide. If you are the recipient of funds you must fill out this form and mail it to the person sending you money.

Western Union say that you mush print this out then fill in information.  They say you must also provide a signed affidavit saying you sent me the fee to send the money to you.  You mush fill out the part western union circled in red ink.  I fill out the remainder after you send form back to me.  I want to make sure we get this right for I no want something to go wrong with our deal since we have come this far.

Here's a picture of the money I got from my bank in my village I'm ready to take it to western union but I cant until I get form and affidavit from you.

(I went back to Google and found this picture of a lot of loot)

Print this form, fill it out then send it along with your signed affidavit and $80 dollars then mail it to me.  Western union say it mush be cash and that your affidavit says you paid in cash.  When are you going to send this?  I want to fastly quick get our deal finished so I can get all this money to you.

Your friend,

Hello Joe Johns,

How is your weekend?Happy sunday!!! i'm mailing to let you know that i called your number was entering answering machine why?

But I mailing to let you understand somethings that you don't know since yesterday.

If someone want to send money through WesternUnion worldwide, All you will need is to go there and present them the reciever's name, reciever's location, sender's name and address and amout sending, which is not neccessary for me to provide you affidavit before they can allow you to send money through Western Union.

If you want me to locate western union outlet near by you where u can send it without any stress and it is not neccessary for reciever to provide charges fees before you can send the money...all you will need to do is to go to this location and send the money today,

RONAN HARVEST FOODS #6115
1124 HWY 93 SOUTH  
RONAN, MT 59864
Tel: (406) 676-3301

All they will ask you is below,

1)Reciever's Name & Address...............Amodu Solomon.231 water carrinton ave,victoria island,lagos 23401.Nigeria.

2)Sender's Name and address.................Your Name.

3)Amount Sending....after transfer charges..

4)Test Question and Answer.

They will ask you to fill the form with this information i gave you and I want you to do this asap and they will deduct the transfer fees out of the $3000 youwant to send...

Okay that's what they are doing it's becos this is your first time of sending western

union that is everything strange to you.

However,I'm doing this b'cos I'm not in the state so that's why I'm doing this.............Please respond back to me as soon as you have send the money...Ok.

Thanks very much!!!!!!!1

Regards,

Micheal Dowers.

Hello again my Dear, dear, dear Micheal,

I am so glad to hear from you on this wonderful Sunday.  Tonight we start the Fall celebration of my village.  We select five who reached Manhood last month and they go into every hut and kill every cat they can find. Here's a picture of it from our celebration last year.

We have a special name for this day of celebration, we call it...

Yippee All The Cats Are Dead Today day

and then we dance around and drink the blood from the dead cats.

Michael, you don't understand.  It is against the law in Montana for the person sending money to pay western union to send the money.  The man who receives the money must pay.  It's not my law, Micheal.  I didn't make it up it is Montana law.

I show you the form, I got it right from western union outlet that you tell me about.  They hand me form, put red circle around your part and they show me at bottom of form where there is law against the sender paying to send money.

I ask them is there no way to send this money and they tell me kno, the man who receives money mush pay.

There is much money that sit here on my table and I want mush badly to send to you but you mush sign affidavit saying you paid $80 cash which is fee to send $6000 to you and send affidavit and the form and $80 to me.  I show western union you affidavit and give them the form and the $80 and then they send $6000 dollars to you.

I don't remember if I show you the picture of the money here it is again.  pls tell me when you send affidavit and form and cash.

Then, just like that, "Michael" dropped off the radar screen - I gather he acquired a sour taste in his mouth for the way I was doing business.

Not very long after I chased Michael away along came "Brenda Jenkins".  This one, I think, is my favorite caper.

From: Brenda Jenkins
Date: Tue Nov 15, 2005
Subject: Economic Community Of West African States ECOWAS

Dear Sir,

I have a project from Economic Community Of West African States ECOWAS to supply food items and Timbers on contract basics, to Rebuild and construct houses for Refugees in Sierra Leone, Liberia, Sudan and Ivory Coast.

The Sum of $45 Million USD is the budget for the contract on the foods items and Timber.

Please give me your price for the Timber or food items, then I will send you the contract Application Form from Ecowas.

Payment is cash by T.T before you can start shipping your goods, port of destination is LOME TOGO SEA PORT WEST AFRICA.

Reply urgently.

Mrs, Brenda Jenkins.
Brendjenk Inc.
Dakar-Senegal West Africa.

From: Joe Johns
Date: Fri Nov 18, 2005
Subject: Economic Community Of West African States ECOWAS

My Dear Mrs. Jenkins,

I am writing to you in response of your message dated November 15, 2005.

Brenda, may I call you Brenda? I have to tell you that this is the most exciting thing I have ever encountered here in the world of the living and I want to assure you that, like the government, I'm here to help.

Now, what's all this rot about timber and food items? Please explain what it is you want me to do, in detail Brenda, in full detail so that I don't get all flabbergasted and such.

I await your response with great eagerness, much like that of a
pubescent boy staring through a window of Victoria's Secret.

Yours in replying urgently,

Joe

From: Brenda Jenkins
Date: Mon Nov 21, 2005
Subject: Re: DETAILS ABOUT THE TIMBER/WOOD AND THE FOOD ITEMS CONTRACT SUPPLY.

Dear Johns,

Thanks for your respond to my mail regarding the contract supply project which i want you to be the SUB-CONTRACTOR who will handly the supply of the product.Like i explained in my first e-mail to you; this is a crucial contract project and if you will be honest and serious to handly these very project, there are many other contract Ahead from verious organisation here which will be approve to my company and i will work with you to finish all the up coming contract for our mutual benefit.

I believe strongly that your company is capable to handly the supply of the product needed which is Timber/wood for house building construction and food Items. If so, the Food items needed are Raw Rice, Cooking Oil,Onions and Weat Flour, These Food Items are needed in Bulk Quantity worth the the total Sum of Us$ 10 million only, and these are include the shipping, handling and processing charges cost.

The Timber and Wood product needed are the full specification for House Building construction and i want you to List the Type of Timber/wood you have with their sizes which is made for house building construction. Be aware that the Timber and Wood will be needed in Large Quantity worth Us$ 35 million only and these are include the shipping, handling and processing charges.

i will like to inform you that in these contract, my personl company will have 10% commission during the supply and that meant that whatever Prices these very items are, you should increase the prices (e,g) If the timber is sold at rate of 100$, you have to increase if during issuance of Invoce to the rate of 110 dollars to enable you get my 10% from the prices before supply.

The procedure is that if your company can supply the whole products (Food Items and Timber/wood) You should prepare a draft of proforma invoice for the supply and send to me Via Email attachment, and i will print it out to submit it at ECOWAS OFFICE for Final Approval and endursement, and after that, the Ecowas Contract Award commity will send to you all Contract supply project Agreement which you should sign to prove that you are the Sub-Contractor who will supply/deliver the goods to Ecowas port of Delivery at LOME-TOGO. Immediately the contract Documments are signed and seal by you and Ecowas Contract Award commity. Then Ecowas Treasure and Finance department will Instruct any of their contract paying bank to Wire the total contract sum to your company's Nominated bank account, and if you receive the payment down from ecowas contract payment bank, you should proceed immediately to ship the full product from your country to Ecowas Port of Delivery.

When Drafting the PROFORMA INVOICE, you should use your company's LETTER HEAD PAPER, and the content will be THE PRODUCT TYPES, THE QUANTITY, THE PRICES OF THE ITEMS EACH, THE SHIPING, HANDLING AND PROCESSING COST. WHICH WILL ARRIVE AT THE RATE OF THE TOTAL CONTRACT SUM OF US$45 MILLION.

If you have more Clearifications, Do not hesitate to contact me.

I am eagerly waiting for for reply to confirm that you received and understand the content of my mail, so that we shall proceed.

best regards.

Brenda Jenkins.

From: Joe Johns
Date: Fri Nov 25, 2005
Subject: Re: DETAILS ABOUT THE TIMBER/WOOD AND THE FOOD ITEMS CONTRACT SUPPLY.

My Dear Brenda,

This is to inform you I am in receipt of your message dated November 21, 2005.

I can't tell you how excited I am to hear back from you so soonly fastola and as I contemplate this deal you and I are fixing to enter into I get goose zits all over me.

Alrighty then, let's move on to our business, Brenda for I am a busy, busy, busy, busy Man, Brenda, very busy indeed.

Now, as I understand it, you want US 10 Million for food stuffs and US 35 Million for timber and both of these amounts shall also cover shipping, handling and processing charges.

You mentioned that your food stuffs shall consist of "Raw Rice,
Cooking Oil, Onions and Weat Flour". That's not a very diverse food menu, Brenda. As luck would have it, my company just took in a large delivery of Sardines, Limburger Cheese, Pickled Eggs and smoked Pig's Feet - that there is truly a diverse food stuffs shipment! Therefore, I highly recommend you augment your original order to include these items.

Before we can move on I need to know if you want my food stuffs
augmented to your order.

Yours in Commodities,

Joe,
We will kipper no snacks before it's time

From: Brenda Jenkins
Date: Mon Nov 28, 2005
Subject: THANKS FOR YOUR REPLY

Dear Joe Johns,

Thanks for your mail with the details therein. and i have met and discussed your Food stuff specifications with the Officials of Ecowas contract Award commity, and the suggest that these very Food Stuff is Okey but can be Only supply half part of the total contract sum for the Food Stuff and must be complete by the Initial Specification which is Raw Rice, Onions,Cooking Oil and Weat Flour. and these will be Loaded in half part of the total contract Sum, which is Us$5 million worth for the Sardines, Limburger Cheese, Pickled Eggs and smoked Pig's Feet and Us$ 5 Million for Raw Rice, Onions,Cooking Oil and Weat Flour.

Meanwhile, i requested to know if your company is capable to supply the timber/Wood products, if so, please kindy send the specifications you have so that i can submite it at Ecowas office for review and confirm.

Awaiting for your earniest Response.

Thanks and Best regards.

Your Dearest, Mrs. Brenda Jenkins.

From: Joe Johns
Date: Sun Dec 4, 2005
Subject: Timbers and Food Stuffs For ECOWAS

My Dear, Dear, Dear & even Dearest Brenda,

I wish to inform you I am in receipt of your above Email dated

November 28, 2005 and for that I give thanks to God that He got it

delivered to me without incident.  Let me hear a "Hallelujah",

Brenda!  While you're at it, let's have a "Hallelujah" for the Gipper!

I am so terribly awfully and regrettably sorry for not getting back

to you sooner for I was out in my warehouses stacking newly arrived crates.

Morealso, I understand from your note above that you do, indeed, wish

to augment your original Food Stuffs order to include the Sardines,

Limburger Cheese, Pickled Eggs and smoked Pig's Feet and I must say

the "Officials of Ecowas contract Award commity" are a wise bunch of

apples for agreeing to my proposal.

Therefore, I have instructed my staff of yes men and minions to piece

together a shopping list to show how much of each commodity you'll be

receiving for US 10 million.  I made it very clear I wanted them to

get right on it because I am a busy, busy, busy, busy Man, Brenda,

very busy indeed.  I understand further that in addition you want US

5 million to be spent on your first list and the remaining US 5

million to be spent on my augmented list.  But it occurred to me two

other items must be added to this list.  Those crates I was stacking

in my warehouses just happen to be a newly arrived shipment of

Swizzle Sticks and Gimlet glasses and I highly recommend ECOWAS

getting some of these added to our list.

I recommend US $150 thousand on each of these two items.  Please ask

your officials if this is agreeable and I'll just tack them onto the

shopping list my yes men and minions are working on right this very minute.

Now, let's move on to your trees, Brenda for I am a busy, busy, busy,

busy Man.  In one of your earlier messages you stated the timbers

were to be used for building houses.  Brenda, it is so fortunate that

you contacted me.  Me!  Of all people?  How in the World did you know

I'm also a timber magnate?  I own over 6 million acres of prime

timber - I love being a timber magnate so much I gave it a name, I

call it Yellowstone.

Hey!  I've got an idea...right after I rape the land of my trees,

I'll ship the entire US 35 million worth of timber and building

materials in the same slow boat bringing the Food Stuffs!  That's

efficiency for you, Brenda, you learn to be efficient when you're a

busy, busy, busy, busy Man.

Alright, moving right along here...you must contact your officials at

ECOWAS and ask them how they wish for me to cut the trees.  Some

people are very picky about this and I certainly don't want ruin 6

million acres of Bonsai trees, which are the absolute best trees for

building houses and various other structures.  The questions you must

ask your officials are these:

Do you want these Bonsai trees cut using chainsaws equipped with

No-Kerf chains or the regular type of chains?  The No-Kerf chains are

most efficient, believe you me.

Must our Sawyers wear chaps with attached frills?  Attached frills

allows the Sawyers to move through the trees with the speed of a

Gazelle and the grace of a Ballerina as they pirouette through the

forest laying these magnificent trees to waste.

Do you want to save the absolute tops of the trees so you can have a

topping out party?  A topping out party is the celebration of when

the roof goes up - it means the structure is almost completed.  What

you do is nail the tops of all the trees you used to build the house

on your roof.  It is a very important gesture, Brenda.  It shows the

Tree Gods that you appreciate them sending these wonderful trees to

us and a request for them to send more.  Some people don't believe in

this - some do - those that have 6 million acres of prime timber, that is.

While I await your response I will get my yes men and minions to get

that shopping list hopping.  In the mean time you get hopping with

the things I need from you and the sooner we get these necessary

steps completed the sooner we can get to getting your Country fed and housed.

Ohh, yes, there is one other thing you need to inquire about with

your officials.  I highly recommend

Joe,

Yours in tract housing and cheap bar food

From: Brenda Jenkins
Date: Wed Nov 30, 2005
Subject: YOUR CONCENTRATION IS HIGHLY NEEDED

Dear Joe Johns,

How are you and your business today,hope all is going well, Dear I wish to plead you to put all concentration towards these contract because the ecowas organisation requires ultmost urgency in respect of concluding the process of these contract and as well the supply of the products. Be aware that these contract is a continues supply and if we can fasting up to deliver the first batch, they will approve another supply contract to us. But if we delay these contract, they may decide to terminate the contract and re-award it to another company. Pleasse knows that these is a crucial transaction and be serious about it.

I will be glad to receive your quick response.

Best regards.

Your dearest Brenda Jenkins.

From: Joe Johns <woodwork@twistedknotwoodshop.com>
Date: Sun Dec 4, 2005
Subject: Re: YOUR CONCENTRATION IS HIGHLY NEEDED.

My Dearest Darling Brenda,

This is to inform you I am in receipt of your message dated November

30, 2005 and I can't begin to tell you how riveting it is.

Brenda, I have great news!  In anticipation of concluding our

business transaction and despite the fact I've yet to acquire a

single dime, I have instructed my team of Sawyers to begin slashing

their way through the Bonsai trees of Yellowstone.  I have somewhere

near 300 Sawyers out there and I have taken the liberty of

instructing them to use the No-Kerf chains on their chainsaws.

Yes, I know, I probably overstepped my bounds here, but in reading

all the fine prose in your past messages I can no doubt regard you as

a fine, Godly and educated person who is perfectly capable of making

intelligent decisions without having to be prodded.  So, this is the

reason why they're out there now, hacking through Yellowstone with

reckless abandon.

My Dearest Brenda, my heart is stricken with much sadness and

excessive misery.  I had to execute one of my beloved Sawyers.  Do

you remember my last message where the final line said...

Ohh, yes, there is one other thing you need to inquire about with

your officials.  I highly recommend

I must apologize for that because at that very moment one of my

Sawyers dropped a Bonsai tree over the high-tension electric power

transmission line causing a continuous supply of 122,000 Volts to go

kaplooie.  Thank God Almighty for The Electric Power Company of

Walla-Walla!  They came right out and fixed it so now I can

gratefully finish what I was preparing to say.  Do you think you can

give a Hallelujah for the Electric Power Company of Walla-Walla?

Darling Brenda, I highly recommend the officials of ECOWAS to hire

me, on a contract basis, Brenda, on a contract basis, to be there

when your shipment of Food Stuffs and Timbers arrives because it's

very important for Bonsai trees to be handled with the greatest of

care and I'm afraid your people are not trained to do so.

Since you and I are doing so much great and worthwhile business and

because of the amount ECOWAS is contracting through my company, I am

proud to inform you I can provide this contract service for US $225 thousand.

Please respond twiterly fast for I need to apply for my Visa to your

fine Country and for I am a busy, busy, busy, busy Man.

Yours in unnecessary executions,

Joe,

220, 221, Whatever it takes

And that's it...Brenda went the route with all the others, back into the darkness and I haven't had any more "conversations" since.  But, one might come again some day and I'll string him along.

Thanks for reading.