It was an April Fool's Day like no other in that there weren't any jokes being played or so I thought up until the time I walked onto the auction ground.

This auction was a benefit for the Ronan Volunteer Fire Department and as far as auctions go, it shouldn't have been any different from others I've attended over the years.  By this I mean, you scan the auction bill that generally comes out 2 weeks before the event to see if there's anything remotely interesting.  I must stress the word, remotely, for the simple reason that items listed there are in no stretch of the imagination guaranteed accurate.

The bill hinted a "Metal Lathe" was on the block along with various "Woodshop Equipment" and if I ignored all the other listings,  these two were more than enough reason for me to clear my calendar for Saturday, April 1, 2006.  I even went to the trouble to advise Her Nagness that unless it involved her demise, she'd better not schedule anything for me on that day.

She said, "I'll do my best not to bother ya!"

I swear, no sense of humor that one.

About a week before the event I caught word that if anyone wanted a peek-see at the auction goods they could go over and see all the stuff lined up nice and pretty like.

I glanced into the rearview mirror and could see the guy was still talking while my truck careened around the corner on its way to the Community Center.  The items I most wanted to see was the metal lathe because I've been wanting one of them forever and, of course, the woodshop equipment.  The metal lathe turned out to be a Yates American wood lathe and I suppose since it was made from metal the description wasn't far off.  Sitting beside it was this Davis & Wells horizontal borer.

There was still one other building to investigate and the instant I walked into it I spied an ancient Delta band saw lying on the concrete floor and beside which was a homemade base.  I looked forlornly at the base and by seeing how it was cobbled together, I easily placed its age somewhere near 1825.  Twice I walked around the grounds and of all the stuff located in the two buildings and arranged outside, these were the only woodworking items I saw.

Still, it was going to be a long wait for the following weekend to arrive and when the day finally did come I got to the auction grounds a full two hours early because another rumor had coursed through town that, "Some other stuff had been dropped off late the previous evening".  

I immediately waltzed past the usual trailer loads of crap and  assembled boxes of broken tidbits because that's the way I do things at auctions...I cut the crap out of my auction going.  And, I'm good at it.  I can walk briskly by a trailer load of crap and still be able to see the smallest item worth closer inspection.  But, take it from me, it's rare if you ever see any worthwhile items on any of them - this is why I say they're trailer loads of crap.

What I really needed to see was the "other stuff" and when I walked into the same building I was in a week before here is what greeted my eye...

I couldn't believe it - it was all but brand new!  I stood there, about twenty-five feet away, and just stared at it saying, "Awww, Man!  There's gotta be something wrong with it!  Something's broke!"

I inched my way closer and everything was just fine.  The table only had five cuts in it.  The only visible scratch was in the paint on the motor shroud.  The levers, the tension handles, the pivoting points and even the elevation handle all worked effortlessly.  By this time my thoughts of despair changed to, "Ok, so it's absolutely perfect, this means it has to be 3 phase."

I looked at the motor tag - it didn't even have any dust on it - it clearly said, 5HP 1 Phase.  By this time I'm floating on Cloud Eighteen because I'd been wanting this particular brand of RAS ever since they started making them again.

Ohh, wait...maybe I should back up in case you're confused when I say, "making them again".  You see, this is a radial arm saw manufactured by the Original Saw Company, which is located in Britt, Iowa.  And, if you didn't know, this saw is being built the same way today as it was back when it was the original DeWalt saw prior to 1989.  That was when Black & Decker bought 'em out and the quality went down the toilet.  Hence their name.

Nothing was broke and the power was fine...what else could it be?  The only other rotten thing I thought of was there had to be some ridiculous starting bid so I went to find the honcho.

"Hey, Kenny!  Is there anything in this auction that has a reserved starting bid?"

"Not that I know of, Joe."  Kenny said.

"Swell, thanks."

The next person I needed to speak with was the auctioneer.  His name is Gary Redman and he's Montana's only singing auctioneer.  It's true!  He'll auction for a spell then pick up his git-fiddle and belt out some song then go right back into auction mode.  And, at almost 7 feet tall he's easy to spot in a crowd because he walks just like a Giraffe does when it's moseying through the treetops.

"Hey, Gary!"  I yelled, pointing at the ground, "Get yourself over here."  I could'nt help but snicker while I watched him lumber over, "What's up, Joe?"

I thumbed over my shoulder, "You know the radial arm saw what's sitting in that building over yonder?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"When you slide start at five keep it QT."

Gary nodded in agreement and we parted ways.

What I had actually said in auction speak was, "When you get to it start the bidding at five-hundred and don't mention the fact to anyone that you already have a starting bid."

All that was left to do was wait until 1PM, which was the appointed starting time.  Let me tell you an hour and a half seems like an eternity when you're watching your auction claim being fondled and man-handled like a cute high-school cheerleader during Home Coming night.

I decided instead of picking up a 2 x 4 and clubbing them to death that I should probably stay outside and document some of the auction action...

When it's auction time in Ronan it generally turns into a visiting frenzy because that's the only time you get to see all your friends standing in one place.  Take the guy leaning against the trailer in the upper and lower right.  His name's Alan Walston - I hadn't seen him since Christmas when him and his Wife, Tammy, came to our home to exchange gifts.  As for everyone else, some 250 of them, there probably weren't ten people I didn't know.

The time passed and Gary was finally standing beside my saw.  I took up a close position but at the same time I made sure I was out of direct eyesight of the other auctionites.  He took a moment to explain the item he was about to sell and then sprung the announcement that he already had a $500.00 starting bid.  He looked at the crowd, nodded, then started babbling.

By this time I'm as nervous as a three-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs - I swallowed hard and it felt as if a pineapple was sliding down my throat.

He tried the jump to $525, babbled some more, went down to $510 and babbled there for a while.

I looked around - I felt like I was a six-pack of ice-cold beer on an island full of ship-wrecked carpenters.

I say this because I knew for a fact that during our visiting I had seen and talked to at least five contractors and or carpenters; one guy wants to make it his life purpose to own each of the tools known to man, a guy who owns a tool rental shop in town, two guys who own a sign shop and another guy who was the only other real woodworker there.  They were so close to me I could've blown spit balls and hit each of them in turn.

He dropped to $505 and still no one took the bid and, to my delight, he turned and pointed to me saying those most wonderful four words everyone loves to hear at an auction, "You bought it, number?"

It was euphoria.  I turned around and gave that hand and arm pumping thing you see professional golfers do when they make a 50-foot putt.  I don't smoke but it didn't stop me from running over to a friend and instantly demand a cigarette and a light.  It was too bad there wasn't an Opium tent nearby because I would've gone in there and sold them some of what I was on!

The smell of victory was soon being overwhelmed by the smell of impending rain and when I looked outside the sky all around us was black and threatening.  Presently, the sky opened and the winds began to blow a cold, stinging rain through the crowd and it had all the earmarks it wasn't going to let up.  I made a decision; no way was I going to load the saw for a ride home in a rainstorm.  It would have to spend another night there.

I ran back to the truck through the chilling rain.  And, as I started the engine to get some heat blowing on the already fogging glass, I stared between the moving wipers at the building protecting my saw.  I felt like I was leaving my best friend to fight off a hoard of vacuum cleaner salesmen.  I shook my head and was just about ready to put the truck in gear for the drive home when I had a brainstorm.  I stopped the engine, jumped out and once again danced around the gorging puddles I had encountered on my previous run across the grounds.

I made the trek to write down the model and serial numbers and any other information I could find on the tags.  I felt if someone kipped it that I'd have, along with the auction ticket, proof it was mine.  Also, with the model number in hand, I might be able to download a manual for it and find out the current value of it.

When I got back home I nodded at Her Nagness on my way through the kitchen.  It was a kind of special nod that said, "Don't bother me for a while."

I logged onto the first web page I found that sells The Original Radial Arm Saw.

http://www.redmond-machinery.com/OSC.htm

I scrolled down to mine, which is the Model 3551.

My jaw dropped, slamming hard on the keyboard, which I'm sure sounded like a big fat kid who just performed a brilliant belly flop from the 36-foot-high platform at a diving competition.

I walked out to the kitchen to inform my lovely wife of what I had just done.

She peered up at me from her crocheting, "That's nice, Hon."

I swear, no sense of victory, that one.

The next day I awoke to a brilliant early Spring morning and drove off to retrieve my saw.  Here are some shots of it sitting beside the famous bus.  In one of them I put an 80-cup Folgers coffee can in front of the guard to give you a sense of scale.

Although it was a bright and cheery day my new saw would have to sit in the back of the truck until Monday afternoon because that was when Kerry, who is the guy I told you about earlier that owns the rental shop, was getting his forklift returned.

So, as a form of closure on an exciting time, I took a tarp and carefully wrapped my prize to protect it from the elements.  And, on my way back into the house I took a deep breath of the fresh, clean, rain-washed air and said, "May auction air always smell this stale."