I wonder if any of the Caveman were woodworkers?

If so, I wonder what they made with their rudimentary tools? I'll bet the first thing they made was their club. But after that, what did they make?

Alas, these are things that will always be a great source of ponderment for me but before I continue I need to go off on a little tangent here. You know what they didn't have, don't you?

Plumbers!

Folks, they didn't have any plumbers! In fact, plumbers were so scarce they hadn't even formed a union yet. From what archaeologists tell us there's irrefutable evidence caveman were a plumber-less society because cavemen performed their bathroom duties in the cave - right there beside where they cooked, slept and watched the painted wall. A typical evening in Ugg's cave probably went something like this...

Uggelena and the three ugly kids are hunkered beside the fire, gnawing on mastodon bones and drinking stump water when Ugg stumbles in dragging his club behind him. It's been another long day of hunting and gathering and they can see he's grumpy and in no mood - they cower away from the fire and retire in front of the painted wall...

"Uggelena!!" Ugg bellows as he hovers over the fire, "Why isn't my mastodon sitting on the floor when I come in my cave?"

 

"Don't come in here...," She hollers raising her voice an octave, "...yelling at me you fat-headed putz! How am I supposed to know when you're gonna come back to the cave?"

Ugg grumbles and hunkers beside the fire to devour his share of the under-cooked meal. Soon, he's seized by stomach cramps, and, recognizing the moment for what it is, he rises and moves over slightly to perform the duty.

"Oh, my aching knuckles Ugg! Do you have to do that now? We're watching the stupid wall here! Hey, you ugly kids, don't watch your father - he's a pig!"

 

With business like that going on a plumber would be a genuine waste of talent. But, what about woodworkers? Surely there had to be some of them lurking about because I can't imagine a man with any kind of tool-making ability not dabbling in woodworking. Hell, for that matter, I can't imagine a woman, cavelike or otherwise, not nagging for a shelf or some bowls carved instead of leaving a guy to recline beside the fire all night.

In today's society I find it is absolutely impossible for women to leave men alone for fifteen minutes - especially if she knows he owns a single screwdriver and maybe a hammer - because, she thinks, "If he's got all them tools and fifteen minutes for himself, he oughta be spending it working on that shelf I gotta have, dammit!" Therefore, I have no reason to suspect Cavemen were structured any differently.

So, Caveman were exceptional tool-makers. This means my assessment of them being woodworkers stands with a reasonable degree of merit. This leads me to the next obvious poser; did Caveman pass down any of the tools he made...

"Here, Uggola, this here's a wifflesnot. Your Great-great Caveman, Ugg, made it. He gave it to me and now I'm giving it to you."

 

"Aww, gee, thanks! What's it for?"

 

"Ummm, well...you see, that's a problem we've been working on for some time now. Nobody's quite figured it out. Tell ya what...just keep using it and maybe one day some Asian company will infringe a patent on it."

 

Or, maybe Caveman dumped his tools the minute he found out he was bound for the happy hunting ground...

"Aww boy, Uggaba, I think I'm about done for. Here, help me dump my tools in that tar pit over there. They're mine and ain't nobody gonna use 'em but me! If they wanna know what a wifflesnot's used for they can figure it out their own damn self."

 

I don't think this is so because now we can settle that silly Cain vs. Able thing...

"Ya know Able, you really piss me off...so, in just a few moments I'm gonna slay you. However, since no one's gonna be the wiser and two-thousand years from now not a single solitary soul is gonna know whether I did it with the jaw bone of an ass or with a wifflesnot, I'm gonna..."

 

That's the trouble, if you had a wifflesnot at your disposal wouldn't you sooner use that than the jaw bone of an ass?

"Hey Abe, hang tuff a minute, will ya? I gotta kill my ass first so's I can rip out his jaw bone then I'll run over and beat the shit outta ya with it. Ok?

 

Ahh, so now it seems we're more able to answer the original question. Let's put the facts together:

This means Cavemen were woodworkers and, as the years passed, the tools improved and women continued their trend all the way to our present day.

"Bob! Turn off that stupid television, get off that couch and march out to that shop of yours and get busy on my shelf, dammit!"

 

"Hold your water. I'm watching Norm trying to figure out his new wifflesnot."